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Assalamualaikum,

Aku dedikasikan blog ini khas buat Allahyarham Nenekanda yang tersayang:

HAJI NAYAN BIN KAHAR

yang telah kembali ke rahmatullah pada pagi 11 June 2009M bersamaan 18 Jamadilakhir 1430H di rumah my bungsu @ kg mata-mata, Brunei.

Sebenarnya jiwaku masih bersedih dengan perkara-perkara personal yang berlaku sebelum ini tetapi deringan telefon Brunei ku di waktu pagi uk sangat-sangat membuat hatiku mula berdebar. Jarang sekali ada orang yang menelefonku di waktu sedemikian dan aku mulai resah selepas aku terlepas untuk menjawab call tersebut. Kemudian kedatangan sms a few minutes after that meruntuhkan & merobek-robek tangkai hatiku. Aku diberitahu bahawa nini laki (nenek lelaki) balah mak aku sudah pergi meninggalkan kami semua. Aku sungguh sedih. Aku tersentap, terdiam dan tiba2 spontaneously airmata ku berderaian. I know it's not a good thing to cry for someone who have left us buat selama-lamanya.

Aku tidak dapat menahan sedih! Semua memory, kenangan yang membabitkan Allahyarham bermain-main di minda ku. Lebih-lebih lagi aku pernah menjaganya di hospital a few months back and the sight of him on my last day in Brunei is playing clearly in my mind. Ya ALLAH, sesungguhnya perkara ini lah yang amat ku risaukan. Aku amat takut kehilangan orang-orang yang ku sayang dan kini apa yang ku takuti itu terjadi jua. Ya ALLAH aku sememangnya lemah. Aku memohon keampunan dariMu Ya ALLAH yang maha pengasih lagi maha penyayang.

Allahyarham nini laki adalah seorang yang bersifat sederhana yang tidak dapat membuang tabiat merokoknya walaupun repeatedly dinasihati. Ya ALLAH, sesungguhnya aku pasti akan menrindui dia. Tempatkanlah dia dan ahli keluarga kami yang telah menghadapMu bersama golongan orang-orang yang beriman Ya ALLAH, AMIN.

Sememangnya pertemuan, perpisahan, ajal, maut ditanganMu Ya ALLAH. It all started back in 2008 when nini laki accidentally knocked on something (which remained a mystery until now) which caused a horizontal deep cut at the back of his head. Eversince that day, his pendengaran and memory deterioriate. He begun to forget so many things and even forgotten who we are sometimes. Then earlier this year (2009), one day nini told my aunt that during his prayer he falls and experienced a short "blacked out" moment.

Eversince that day, he would say that he felt that everytime he stands up, he will feel dizzy. So, after discussions among the daughters, they all agreed to admit grandpa to the hospital and that was when I contributed my time to take care of him for the morning shift. However, grandpa inda tahan staying in the cold place (in which sometimes he thought that he was actually at home) plus the toilet is so far away. Therefore after another discussion, they all agree to bring nini back home and that's when the role of his four daughters came in. They give in their spare time to take care of him, giving him (and grandma as well) shower everyday, giving medicines and taking care of his everything. Nini started to not wanting to eat that much, hanya depended on bubur, at time langsung inda mau makan. Most of the time he spent sleeping on his bed, only at times he woke up when he needed the toilet. Doctors said it is caused by a minor stroke (the dizzyness) and they found traces of darah beku in his head but doesn't require any surgery.

On the day I depart to uk, I still remember that alhamdulillah I had the chance to kiss his hand and look at him, hoping and praying that I could still have the chance to meet him. Tapi ALLAH lebih sayangkan dia. Aku redha dan aku pasrah dengan semua ini. Mudah-mudahan rohnya sentiasa berada di bawah lindungan rahmatMu Ya ALLAH.

I called mom after few minutes trying to calm the tears down but as I hear her voice I began to continue crying. Mom sense that something is wrong, other than the fact that I was sad about the loss of nini but I don't dare tell her when the time is so unsuitable. She sounds so calm.. I envy her strengths wlthough I know deep down inside everyone's sad.

What actually adds up the sadness would be the fact that I am so far away from home, I wasn't there to say the final goodbye, I wasn't there to see him for the last time. However alhamdulillah as told by my cousins everything went well with the pengkebumian. Terima kasih kepada semua yang hadir ke majlis tersebut.

It's not me alone feeling the sadness. I sms-ed my cousin who is studying in reading asking whether she knew about it yet and I received her call a few minutes later and we cried together making it hard to eventually talk normally and at times our words seem to be blurred by the tears. She has not yet knew about it. I know it must be heart breaking to receive such news, as that's what I felt. As for me, I had the chance to last see nini on the 25th of May whereas my cuzins (Mizah n Adib) last saw him in October 2008 and I know how they feel and I can feel how they feel. Cuzzies, we need to be strong.

So, dengan ini AL-Fatihah buat Allahyarham nenekanda kami serta kaum muslimin dan muslimat yang telah pergi meninggalkan kita dan dunia untuk berada di kehidupan yang lebih sempurna di alam yang berbeza. Semoga nini bahagia di sana, AMIN.

Al-Fatihah
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AMIN

Dari hambaNya yang masih dalam kesedihan,
Arni in Bowburn