It's gonna be exactly a week this Wednesday since late grandma left us.. I thought I would be strong enough by now to accept that fact but I'm totally wrong.. The memories of her & late grandad are continuosly playing over and over again inside my head, in my sleep.. It's so hard to accept that the next time I arrive home, there won't be them to visit next door just to inform that I'm back. No more nini bini who used to sit in front the TV, her favourite spot eversince she started having difficulty to walk that much. No more nini laki who used to walk in and out of the house to have a smoke (something he stopped doing after experiencing a minor stroke and complaints of dizzyness everytime he stands/sits).
Oh GOD, please keep me strong. I know all of these would be hard. This was the year I'll be celebrating Raya in Brunei after 2 years missing it and knowing that Raya will be so different this year broke my heart. I am blessed that I still have both my grandparents on my father's side but it's not the same with late grandparents from my mom's side whom I've lived with and around for the past 25 years. It would be heart shattering to even look out from my bedroom window that had the view of my aunt's house with late grandma room's window looking back at me..
Nini.. Maafkan aku, I still can't accept this fact, forgive me.. Tidak bermaksud untuk menangisi pemergian kamu berdua tapi hati ini sgt menyayangi, ingatan ini tidak pernah gagal untuk mengingati kamu.. Dengan ikhlas dan penuh redha, aku doakan dan memohon kepadaNya agar roh nini laki & nini bini di tempatkan bersama orang2 yang beriman, dijauhkan daripada azab kubur & di tempatkan di bawah lindunganNya di alam sana. Amin Ya Rabbalalamin..
So, there are several things that I knew that I should do..
# Go home, to the place where I belong
# Attend & be present for nini's makan2 tahlil 40 hari
# Go and pay a visit to grandparents' graveyard, sedekahkan yassin & tahlil
And before that, several things that need to clear up first would be..
# Try find all the things family members want me to buy for them
# Pack all my things into the boxes
# Fill in all appropriate forms for going home
# Pack things to bring home
# Buy ticket to London
# Clear up current room
# Prepare mentally, physically & emotionally for all these
-Goodbye Durham.. Kalau masih ada jodoh, I'll be coming back again, insyaALLAH-